By Christina Ryan-Stoltz
Yesterday, in a hurry to get my laundry put away, I started folding a camisole inside out, as I have countless times, knowing whenever I wear it next I would simply turn it right-side out before putting it on. No biggie except that, in this moment, the thought occurred to me to gift my future self with it ready to wear.
A smile arose from this sweet gesture of kindness toward myself and toward the woman I have become who no longer takes shortcuts, even when no one would notice, even when it’s only for me.
Not too long ago I was brushing my teeth and looking at myself in the mirror and noticed the lines around my eyes and quite a lot of gray hair growing in around my temples. My instinct? I sang out loud to my reflection, “You are so darn cute,” and “little old lady whoooooo,” without a hint of shame or need to fix it, run from it.
In the mornings, I used to look at my phone first thing and ⸺ depending on what or who I saw and my feelings around it/them ⸺ it would set the tone for my morning. I decided I didn’t want to give that away so easily. So, instead, I started getting up, boiling water in my tea pot and sipping hot lemon water as I sat cross-legged on the floor, looking at a candle burning, and thinking about peace, my breath, my intentions for the day.
With each of these actions, and countless other daily, weekly, monthly gestures, I am setting a deep intention to show up for myself in a loving way. I took the long and winding road, the scenic route to get here, to be sure. I spent many years unloving myself, unconscious of my actions, and inconsiderate of my own needs. In all my rushing around, it wasn’t a priority to me at all, despite the gnawing feeling that comes from unkindness toward oneself.
Do you know that feeling? You might be more likely to notice it in others than in yourself. For example, when someone shares their inner dialogue as they explain their thoughts or feelings to you. It can be super subtle, but you just get that visceral sense that there is a harm being done to (and BY) this person you love. They speak or behave toward themselves in a way they would never treat another human being: name calling or self-deprecating humor. It might look like skipping meals, not getting enough sleep or time in nature, overcommitting or relationships that drain rather than reciprocate or replenish. Can you relate to any of those?
Though the world might try to tell you that self-love and self-care come in a box or a bottle or a spa, I find it to be much more simple and holy and enduring than anything you can purchase. It’s about entering into a committed relationship with yourself. It’s about changing the way the voice in your head speaks to you. It’s about the way you treat yourself and hold yourself accountable for meeting your needs and taking responsibility for your wholeness. Like any strong relationship, this can take time and practice.
Rather than overwhelming yourself with a to-do list or a list of resolutions, I encourage you to simply consider how you want to feel, and then set about taking the actions that will help you get closer to that feeling, every day.
And let’s not forget the accountability aspect of these choices and changes. For me, that looks like not making excuses. I will walk at least 10,000 steps each day. I will read one hour each day. I will eat at least two meals every day.
And then be compassionate with yourself if you don’t meet your intentions. I will try again tomorrow. I let today get away from me and that feels _______ and that is not how I want to feel, so tomorrow I will ________________ so that I can feel __________. But beating up or shaming yourself? Not an option. Practice, not perfection. LOVE, not fear.
Far from being selfish, when you love yourself, a deeper well of love for people, places and ideas gets activated. Over time you may notice that the way you love others has levelled up. This is a common side effect of self-love. It’s contagious.
You’ll have clarity around the time and energy you have to offer. You’ll want everyone you know to feel as good as you do. You will recognize the others who love themselves. You’ll see the impact you’re all making in your lives, your families, your communities. You recognize the impact this could have on humanity. On the planet. You’ll wonder how on earth it all got so distorted and how it could ever change.
But you’ll remember how it used to be for you, and then you’ll understand that it’s all connected to the simple and profound choice you’ve made to love yourself, to wake up every day and choose it again and again, and then go out into the world and show love. Do love. Be love.
When I get to the end of my life,
and I ask one final:
“What have I done?”
Let my answer be,
“I have done love.”
–Jennifer Pastiloff, author of “On Being Human”
Christina Ryan-Stoltz is an artist, herbalist, resilience coach, founder of SHESkool.com and ordained minister. She lives near the lakeshore and spends most of her time dreaming.
